Satirical Bible Series | Author M.E. Anders, the Cult Slayer

Bible Story Retold: Conspiracy, the Twelve Spies in Canaan

May 27, 2012 in Reviews, Satirical Bible Series

Welcome back Brad Snowder, the astroholic, for his Guest Blog Series here every week! I met Brad through social networking, and we immediately hit off. His sarcasm and science-savvy resonated with me. When he pitched me an idea for a satirical series of blog posts dissecting the Bible chapter by chapter, I could not resist.

Without further ado…Here’s Brad on Conspiracy: The Twelve Spies in Canaan!

Twelve Spies
Numbers 11:1 to 14:39

11:1 When people complained about stuff it really irritated Yahweh. He would become very moody and go around randomly burning innocent people to death. The people ran crying to Moses about the unfairness of it all. Moses had a little talk with Yahweh who agreed to stop the random burning of people for the moment.

11:4 By this time the tribes were getting pretty tired of eating almost nothing but manna. It appeared as a scum on the ground with the morning dew and they scraped it up and made a sort of pastey bread out of it. It tasted like oil. After years of this being their primary meal they became depressed. They began to weep. They remembered Egypt where they ate fish, cucumbers, melons, onions, and garlic. Upon hearing the people weeping, Yahweh and Moses once again both became very angry. Moses said to Yahweh “This is just too much responsibility trying to please these whiners. I’d rather die so why don’t you just kill me and end all my stress.” At that point Yahweh took some of the authority and responsibilities away from Moses and reassigned them to the individual leaders of the various tribes.

Yahweh said “I hear the damn whiners whining about the food and talking about Egyptian groceries. I will give you some food. How about some meat? I’ll have you eat so much damn meat that it comes out of your damn nostrils. You’ll eat meat for a month and you will hate it. This I will do because you hate me and all you do is talk about Egypt like it was the good ol’ days!” Moses responded with “Meat? Seriously? 600,000 infantry plus women and children eating meat for a whole month? Really? What are we going to do, slaughter every cow and sheep we have in every herd?” Yahweh said “You think I’ve grown weak? Just you wait. I’ll show you some meat.”

While Yahweh was stewing about the meat a young boy came running up to Moses and said “There is someone going around saying that God is talking to him and telling him what’s in the future.” At first general Joshua said “Moses forbids this.” But then Moses said “No no, actually God wishes everyone was like that.”

Meanwhile Yahweh got busy with making an odd wind blow. This wind came in hard from the sea and was strong enough to bring with it lots of quail which for some reason were out to sea. It dumped all the birds around the camp for miles, three feet deep. The people worked around the clock for two days gathering the millions of dead quail. The least amount anybody gathered was well over a ton. While they were stuffing their faces with windblown quail, Yahweh suddenly became all angry again, remembering something from earlier, and he killed a bunch of random people by sending a fatal illness, Salmonella maybe.

Roast quail with oyster and bacon stuffing.

12:1 Moses’ brother Aaron and his sister Miriam conspired against him behind his back. They were talking trash about him because he had a foreign wife. She was one of those detestable Cushite bitches. They started bragging that Yahweh talked directly to them as much as he did to Moses. Yahweh heard this mean-spirited gossiping and ordered all three siblings to meet him immediately in his big tent.

Yahweh appeared before the siblings as a cloud and said “When I talk to prophets I do so in the form of dreams and visions, all symbolic-like and with cloudy vague analogies that can be interpreted lots of different ways. But when I talk to Moses it’s in plain everyday language, from my mouth to his ears. Obviously he is special so what’s with all this talking smack behind his back, hmm?” Uh oh… Yahweh was mad again. He left the meeting abruptly after first giving Miriam leprosy, white leprosy, which is the really bad kind.

Aaron was totally freaked out and started begging Moses to save their sister from the fatal disease. So Moses asked Yahweh if he could possibly be a bit more tolerant of humans being you know, human, and asked him to remove the disease. Yahweh asked rhetorically “If her dad spits in her face shouldn’t she be ashamed for at least a week? Throw her outside of the camp for a week.” So they threw her out and the whole confederacy of tribes including 600,000 troops stopped for the week and camped there staring out at Miriam while she stared back at them until she could be allowed to come back in. Then they packed up again and continued onward towards Canaan.

12:16 The tribes pitched camp just south of the Canaanite border where they began to plan their military offensive with the intention of conquering and seizing the land for themselves. Yahweh ordered them to send in twelve spies first to recon the enemy’s strengths and weaknesses for him. Of these twelve spies, only two eventually became famous heroes, Joshua of Ephraim and Caleb of Judah.

Camouflaged Israeli troops in a wheat field on Israel's border with Gaza.

The spies sneaked into Canaan and spread out and explored all over the tiny country. They returned from the mission and reported that the land was beautiful, and that the grocery stores had great produce sections. The salads they brought back were awesome, especially compared to eating that greasy manna crap.

Caleb suggested they attack immediately while they had the element of surprise. But some of the spies told stories of the gigantic armor-clad troops that protected the land. They told of fortresses. They spoke in fear of Amalekite armies and Hittite armies and Jebusites and Amorites and all kinds of ites. Worst of all they saw fearsome giant Anakites! That night the tribes wept about the weakness of their position. They were stuck out on the desert facing well-entrenched land owners. They reckoned Yahweh would let the Canaanites come kill them and steal their women. They blamed Moses and some of them began plans to nominate and elect a new leader and head back to Egypt. Moses and Aaron fell on their faces while the two more optimistic spies tried to encourage and persuade the people. They said not to fear, that God would make the enemy a pushover.

14:10 The mobs grew all discontented and hostile again and they were all starting to chant loudly “Kill Moses and Aaron. Kill Moses and Aaron. Kill Moses and Aaron.” Yahweh finally had enough of the political unrest so he appeared to Moses. He said “Moses, me damn it, there they go again! I’m going to send bunches of insects and rodents! I will no longer consider them my children. I’ll, I’ll, you know what, I’ll make another nation for you Moses, a way better one I swear, bigger and stronger I promise.” Moses sobbed “But then the Egyptians will laugh at you. Is that what you want? Come on now, give them a break. You said you could be forgiving, except of course for the guilty and their children down to the fourth generation.” Yahweh said “Ok Moses, I’ll forgive them this time. But sure as I live the people will see how glorious and fearsome I am. For every person who saw me being glorious back in Egypt, but who now has doubts about my military strategy, I hereby sentence them to wander around in this desert until they die. Twenty years and older, all Israelites must die in this desert. In forty years I’ll probably take their children into Canaan. Caleb and Joshua however, they’re good spies. They’re the exception to this punishment, they’re ok.” To make his feelings clear Yahweh sent a special spy disease that killed only the ten reluctant spies.

14:39 When Moses told the mob of doubters the bad news of Yahweh’s decision to make them die in the desert the people became very depressed. In the morning they showed up and sincerely apologized and begged for forgiveness. They even said they were willing to go to Canaan and fight but Moses explained that the deal was off and that God would show no mercy and refused to protect them from harm. Sure enough some bad ass Amalekites came and killed the malcontents.

Spy vs. Spy, Antonio Prohías, Mad Magazine 1961.

Next: A Talking DonkeyMore at Skywise Unlimited

Tags: Bible, cosmology, creation, genesis, God, Moses, mythology, religion
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Bible Story Retold: A Special Promise – The Ark of the Covenant

May 21, 2012 in Reviews, Satirical Bible Series

Without further ado…Here’s Brad on A Special Promis – The Ark of the Covenant!

The Ark of the Covenant
Numbers 1:1 to 7:1

1:1 Yahweh said to Moses, “Count up how many men, 20 years and older, that are capable of going to war. I need to know how many soldiers I can field. Except don’t count the Levites. I need them to take care of the church and administrate this little theocratic dictatorship we have developing.”

Moses and Aaron organized a confederation of tribal armies. They reported a total of 600,000 troops plus women and children, a truly unbelievable number considering their limited agricultural capacity. Each tribe’s army pitched camp separately under its own flag while the Levite tribe camped all around Yahweh’s big church tent. Yahweh was adamant about the Levite exemption from the draft. He said “The Levites are mine, all mine, all mine. Ever since that time I killed all those Egyptian children I’ve considered the Israelite’s firstborn sons to be mine. I mean, even the firstborn livestock are mine so it just makes sense. All firstborns are technically mine because I am God, but I decided to take as mine all of the Levites, every one of them, instead of the other tribe’s firstborns.” So Moses counted the Levites by themselves. He reported to Yahweh, 7500 sir yes sir.

3:30 A man named Elizaphan was put in charge of moving all the religious stuff Yahweh had accumulated including the fancy sacred gold box that Yahweh stayed in when they travelled. When they camped the paraphernalia was all kept in the big tent. Any strangers seen coming anywhere near the big tent were immediately killed.

Yahweh said to Moses “Count all the firstborn, one month and older, even the cows.” So Moses counted them too. This time he used the figures to tax the tribes and then handed the money over to the head priest, his brother Aaron.

Yahweh then explained in long boring detail just how he wanted his golden travelling box taken care of and exactly how to spread out the purple cloth and how to arrange his precious badger skins. Yahweh has badger skins and he is kind of touchy about how they are displayed.

After Yahweh’s fancy golden box was readied for travel, the sons of Kohath were honored with the task of carrying it by the long poles attached to the sides. It was like luggage for a god. They were warned however that if they even barely touched the box itself, Yahweh would instantly kill them, perhaps by melting their faces off. So it was dangerous luggage. The boys would wait until some Levites had covered up all the holy stuff in the church before they went in to get the box or Yahweh would kill them instantly just for looking at that other stuff. Yahweh declared that some guy named Merari and all his fellow Gershonites, 30 years and older, had to carry all that other tabernacle hardware, like furniture, and candles, and badger skins.

5:1 Yahweh said to Moses “Kick all the stinking lepers and other disease-ridden people from the camp. I don’t want those people in the camp where I live.” Moses kicked them out of the camp.

5:12 Yahweh said to Moses “If a man’s wife sneaks off for the purpose of doing the bedspring boogie with another man and refuses to admit it, or if there is no proof and the man suspects she’s been cheating on him, tell him to bring her to the priest and bring a couple of pounds of flour with no oil on it or anything, just flour. Here’s a formula for finding the truth, it works every time.”

1. Sit her down in front of me.
2. Take some holy water and add a pinch of dust off the tabernacle floor.
3. Have her hold the flour while the priest holds up a pitcher of the bitter water that causes the curse.
4. Have the priest tell her that the water will have no effect if she is innocent but if she’s been fooling around, her thighs will rot and her belly will swell.
5. Tell the woman to say amen, amen.
6. Write the curse in a book and then wipe it out with some of the water.
7. Make the woman drink the water.
8. Take the flour from her and wave it in front of me then throw a handful on the altar and burn it.
9. Have the woman drink some more water.

“If she’s pregnant she’ll abort, and after that if her thigh rots and her belly swells, she’s cursed and a lying slut. If not, she’s ok. In this way the husband can avoid being guilty of sleeping with a slut and the woman will have received proper justice.”

6:1 Yahweh said to Moses “Ask the people whether any of them would like to make a super-duper special promise to me and separate themselves from other people as being super-duper special. It’s called the Nazerite Club and they can join by following these three simple rules.”

1. No drinking wine. No drinking or eating anything that is related to wine; no vinegar, no grapes, no raisins, no grape leaves, no grape seeds and so forth.
2. No haircuts, none. This is a wild and shaggy long hair club.
3. No touching dead bodies ever, not even close relatives.

Yahweh included gory details on the proper butchering of farm animals, should one of the elite Nazerites break the third rule and touch a dead body by accident. In addition to animal sacrifice, the rule breaker would then have to shave his head and start all over growing his hair long again, but he could then go out and get drunk sucking down wine for that one night.

6:22 Yahweh said to Moses “When you bless the Israelites say this: God bless you, God bless you, may he smile on you and give you peace. And I will bless them.”

7:1 When Moses first declared the tabernacle to be in service, the people brought tons of livestock and other valuables to the opening ceremony. Moses directed them to hand over all the valuable merchandise to the Levite officers. Then they had a special dedication program that lasted almost two weeks. Moses went into the big tent and heard a loud voice booming from just above the fancy golden box. It was Yahweh’s voice of course and he gave them a bunch more tedious ritualistic details about lighting candles and incense and stuff.

Yahweh told Moses to have someone make two special trumpets so Aaron could have a way to signal the people.

1. Blow both trumpets and it means everyone come to the big tent.
2. Blow one trumpet and it means just the leaders come to the big tent.
3. Blow an alternating two horn alarm and it means the tribes are to freak out, go into full bore linear panic mode with every man for himself, scatter and hide.

Yahweh said if he heard them sound the two alarm thing during a big battle he would probably come save them.

Yahweh’s cloud lifted from on top of the big tent and wandered off again so they all struck camp and headed out chasing after it. Moses told his in-laws from Midian that if they wanted to tag along he would make it worth their while. As they travelled they carried Yahweh’s box out in front and Moses would say “Ok, God, get out there and scare the enemies.” When they stopped to pitch camp for the night he would say “Ok that’s enough, come back God, get back in your box.”

Next: Conspiracy

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Tags: Bible, cosmology, creation, God, Moses, mythology, religion
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Bible Story Retold: My Way or the Highway – Mosaic Law

May 14, 2012 in Reviews, Satirical Bible Series

Without further ado…Here’s Brad on My Way or the Highway – Mosaic Law!

Mosaic Law

Leviticus 18:1 to 27:34

18:1 “Listen to me. I am God. Don’t behave the way you did in Egypt, running around buck nekid all the time.” Yahveh gave Moses a long sermon about nudity. He explained when to get naked, when not to get naked, who to see naked, who not to be naked with, and so forth. “You must do as I order. I am God. Do not go to one of your relatives and try to take their clothes off and see them naked. Do not try to see your dad naked, or your mom naked, or your dad’s other wife naked, or your sister, or grandchildren, cousins, aunts, uncles, or in-laws. And don’t be trying to get your wife’s sister naked while your wife is still alive. That’s an important one. Don’t ever get a woman naked if she is menstruating, which goes without saying because that’s just gross. Just as a reminder, avoid having sex with your neighbor’s wife. I am God.”

Yahveh highlighted some more of the ever-increasing volume of stuff he hates. “Don’t follow the popular tradition of taking your newborn babies and running quickly through the ceremonial fires of the god Molech to insure them good fortune and health in life. Ooh how I hate that other god Molech! Also, gay men must not be having gay sex. I hate when gay men have sex with each other! Don’t have sex with animals because well let’s face it, that sort of thing is just confusing. These are all things that those other people do, but not you. I will punish those other ethnic, or sociopolitical, or religeous groups who tolerate such weird behavior by taking away their land. Don’t ever do any of the many things that I hate, I am God!”

19:1 Yahveh recounted some of the basic common sense rules of social order, like “love your neighbor.” But then he included rules about the absolute extreme importance of never marrying outside one’s ethnicity in order to maintain the people’s racial purity and proper skin tones. He also insisted people maintain the racial purity of their cows, and even their grain crops.

19:20 “Any woman who is engaged to be married and is caught having sex with another man, he and she will both immediately be put to death. I am God.”

19:27 “Don’t cut the corners off your beard, leave it shaggy. You must never have any tattoos at all, none. Don’t force your daughters to be prostitutes if they don’t want to. Don’t work on Saturday. Don’t even talk to wizards but be nice to strangers. Fear me always! I am God.”
20:1 Yahveh again expressed his violent hatred of his current rival and chief competition in the local geographic region, the mighty Molech. Anyone caught participating in the rituals of Molech was to be killed. That included a lot of regional tribes for whom these Molech rituals were commonplace. Having shown his disdain for Molech, Yahveh relisted some of the many crimes for which the penalty is death. “Cussing at your parents, adultery, homosexuality, bestiality, don’t forget to kill the beast also. If it is discovered that a man has had sex with both a woman and her mother, then all three of them must be burned to death with fire. If a man has sex with a woman who is menstruating, you don’t necessarily have to kill the two of them, you can just run them both out of town. Kill all wizards. I am God.”
Yahveh then asserted, “I don’t want anyone to dress, talk, or walk like an Egyptian. Ooh how I hate that. Did I mention I am God?”

21:1 Yahveh gave Moses an even stricter set of rules for the priesthood to follow. If a priest’s daughter has sex for money she is to be burned to death. A priest must never touch a dead person and he must marry a virgin. Yahveh insisted that “A priest of the highest order must be without any physical blemishes whatsoever, such as blindness, a limp, a flat nose, a broken foot or hand, a crooked back, or too short, or with any scars. Don’t even let those freaks anywhere near my altar!”

23:1 Yahveh spoke to Moses and reiterated all the fine details concerning the holidays and precisely how to observe them and this time he included a few new details about sacrificing animals. Also this time he demanded bread and wine be served with his barbecue.
24:10 One day a young half Egyptian boy from the tribe of Dan was heard calling Yahveh a dirty word. Moses jailed the young lad and calmly awaited Yahveh’s personal judgment of the case. The powerful, all-knowing, loving and merciful Yahveh said “Kill him! Kill him! Take him out and pound him to death with rocks! Kill anyone who ever cusses me! It’s eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, kill for cussing, etc.” So they pummeled a little kid to death with rocks.

25:10 Yahveh declared that every 50 years they were to let the land rest and not plant any crops for a whole year. Also all existing debts were to be completely forgiven and nullified, all mortgages considered fully paid and so forth. This was supposed to represent a sort of economic renewal, obviously a silly impractical idea that was wholly ignored by everyone.

25:44 Yahveh said “Here’s a handy tip, you can buy slaves of both varieties, male and female, from the people in the nearby nations.”

26:1 Yahveh summed up his ultimatum. “If you follow my orders I will let it rain on your crops, especially during the rainy season. I will chase your enemies around and make them tired so you can kill them with swords. Five of you will be worth a hundred of them. I will live in the big awesome tent you made and I will not hate you much hardly at all. I am God. I’m the one who brought you out of Egypt. Not Molech!

On the other hand if you do not obey every single word I say…
I will terrorize you big time.
Your enemies will take away your food supply.
They will kill you.
I will punish you seven times the usual amount.
I’ll make you weak and pathetic.
I’ll make all your crops die.
I will give you seven times as many diseases as I usually send your way.
I’ll send some wild animals to eat your children.
I’ll send animals to eat your cows.
I will come down myself and kill you with my very own sword.
I will send extra bugs to annoy you.
You will lose wars.
I will cause you to go hungry.
So hungry that you actually eat your own children.
I will destroy all your religious paraphernalia.
I’ll waste your cities.
I’ll scatter you abroad.
I will kill you with my sword again.

Those of you that survive all of that stuff will be so totally batshit paranoid that the least little sound will send you running in panic. Then if you come and say you are sorry and humble your uncircumcised hearts before me, I will start to remember some of the promises I have made and probably give you a little bit of a break.”

Yahveh then told Moses to tax the people each according to his wealth. Yahveh demanded a flat ten percent of the adjusted gross annual earnings.

27:34 These are the demands Yahveh dictated to the Israelite tribes from his earthly headquarters on Mount Sinai.
Next: A Special Promise

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Tags: Bible, cosmology, creation, exodus, God, Moses, mythology, religion
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Bible Story Retold: The Show Must Go On – The Tabernacle

May 7, 2012 in Reviews, Satirical Bible Series

Without further ado…Here’s Brad on The Show Must Go On – The Tabernacle!

The Tabernacle
Leviticus 1:1 to 16:2

1:1 Yahveh talked to Moses in the new tabernacle tent and said things like “Bring me the Israelite’s best cows and slit their throats and smear blood all over.” And of course “Cook those tasty critters extra crispy! I like my steaks well done and extra lean.” Yahveh included all the specific details of just how he wanted his meat to be cleaned and cooked.

“From now on none of you is to eat any fat or blood” Yahveh commanded. Yahveh commanded lots of stuff. “If someone knowingly commits a misdemeanor they will be made to bring a cow to the priest so that it can be butchered and cooked. If one of the leaders screws up, but only through mere ignorance of the law, he has to fork over a goat for slaughter, a male goat. But for a slip up through ignorance by the common people, the cost is a female goat.”

Yahveh legislated lots of the mundane details regarding day to day living. He said “if you touch some guilty unclean creepy thing then you will also be guilty and unclean.” Uncleanliness typically involved a penalty; extra-curricular rituals and a payment of some type of farm animal. Waivers were made available for the very poor, so if someone could not afford to pay a fine of a whole goat, then they could get by with bringing a couple of birds and pulling their heads off but not ripping the guts out. Besides the regular ritual sacrificing to Yahveh, these animal offerings were also to be used to feed the head priest Aaron and his family. But sacrifices on behalf of Aaron’s family members themselves were to be completely burned and not used for food, thus avoiding a strange loop. Improper treatment of sacrificial food could result in being expatriated from the tribes, especially the eating of fat or blood.

8:1 Aaron and his family were officially installed as the ruling priestly mucky mucks by ceremoniously smearing a bunch of oil and blood here and there, and then burning a fresh pile of bovine entrails on the new altar. Following the ceremony Yahveh made Aaron’s family stay inside the big tent for a whole week under threat of death for leaving early. After that Aaron and his sons set about the job of preparing the main event, an unending series of regularly scheduled bloody matinees for Yahveh’s entertainment. At the climax of the show Aaron would bless the people and suddenly Yahveh would swoop down to the earth as a massive fireball and eat up all the crispy cow guts stacked on the altar. It was a rather macabre presentation.

10:1 Aaron had two sons. Nadab and Abihu. One day they lit some incense in the tabernacle in a slightly different way than Yahveh had spelled out in a long boring lecture about ritualistic dogma. Yahveh sensed the tiny discrepancy. He immediately conjured up a big fireball and heaved it down at the two boys. It engulfed them and burned them to death. As Nadab and Abihu lay dying Aaron went totally ape shit over the brutal injustice of it. Moses tried to calm Aaron and other family members down because they wanted to challenge Yahveh’s insensitivity and unfairness. Moses said to them “Don’t show any distress or you’ll be killed too! Just pretend they had it coming. Go back inside the big tent and stay there for now.”

Aaron’s family headed back inside the tabernacle and Yahveh said “Don’t be getting drunk while you’re in there. But I suppose you can go ahead and have a little bite to eat from the smoldering carcass leftover from the last sacrifice if you want. I hereby declare it to be your right.” Moses got upset when he saw that Aaron’s cousins refused to eat the meat as a protest over the heavy-handedness of Yahveh, but Aaron cooled Moses down, Moses cooled Yahveh down, Aaron cooled the cousins down, and Nadab and Abihu finally cooled down.

11:1 Yahveh gave orders to Moses and Aaron “These are the animals that the people are allowed to eat: animals that are both multi-toed and cud-chewing, like cows and sheep. But animals without that particular combination are not food, like horses or camels.” Yahveh prohibited the eating of rabbits which appear to “cheweth the cud” because of the way they wiggle their noses. The list on Yahveh’s menu of acceptable cuisine continued. “No pig meat ever ever ever! Fish are ok if they have both fins and scales but other aquatic creatures like lobsters, shrimp, and clams are to be hated. All predator birds are off limits but bugs are fine food, eat all the bugs you want. Bugs are yummy. Anything else you see crawling around that you’re not sure about might be unclean so if you touch it, be sure to wash up afterwards. Rodents, lizards, and snails are out, and anyone who touches one of these things is unclean and will be until nightfall.”

Yahveh had lots of rules about what was clean and unclean and what to do if one should find themselves tagged as “unclean” for any of the assorted weird reasons. If an unclean person accidentally touches something before nightfall, like a shoe, then it too becomes unclean and should be put in water until nightfall. If they touch a clay pot, toss it out but smash it first so no one will salvage and reuse it.

Yahveh declared “Hate all the really creepy things! I am God. Be holy, I’m holy, you be holy. I’m the one who brought you out of Egypt to be your God so you better be holy. I am holy. I hate creepy things and I am holy.”

12:1 Yahveh continued with the whole clean-unclean thing. “If a woman gives birth to a son she will be unclean for a month but if she has a daughter she will be unclean for two months. After that she must bring a lamb to be burned by a priest. If she’s poor and can’t afford that, a couple of birds will do.”

13:2 Yahveh had lots of rules regarding personal hygiene. “Anyone with skin problems should go see a priest. There they should be quarantined until it can be determined whether or not they have leprosy. If they do have the disease then the priest will take a live bird and dip it in the blood of a dead bird and sprinkle blood on the leper and then let the bird loose. When the disease gets worse, more animals must be slaughtered.”

“Anything unclean must be washed. If something appears to be growing on the wall of your house, like some algae or bio-slime of some sort, scrape it off. Then wipe down the whole wall with a live bird dipped in blood.”

15:16 “Sperm is unclean. Anything it touches must be washed and even then it will be considered unclean until sunset. Anyone who has sex is definitely unclean and must bathe thoroughly and still be considered unclean until the following sunset.”

15:19 “When a woman is menstruating she is considered unclean in a major way. Anything she touches is unclean, anyone she touches is unclean. Anyone who touches something that she touched is unclean. Anything that… oh well you get the idea. Even after she is finished having that not-so-fresh time of the month, she must remain completely separated from the rest of society for a whole week, just to be sure. Then she must give a couple of birds to the local priest. Then she will be clean, for the moment.”

16:2 Yahveh said to Moses, “Tell Aaron not to go waltzing into the big holy tent just any ol’ time he wants or I will kill him!”

Yahveh then described another primitive ritual for the tribes to add to their long and ever-growing list of ridiculous requirements. Once per year, after much more than the usual amount of ritualistic killings, a single goat was to be set free to roam alone but alive out on the desert. All of the crimes against Yahveh’s rules that the people had committed that previous year were blamed on this one liberated goat. It was all that stupid damn goat’s fault somehow. Stole grandma’s retirement? Damn goat. Cheated on the wife? Damn goat. The evil essence from all that wrong doing was somehow magically transferred to the goat. The evil would rise from the people’s bodies like so much mist or smoke and enter into the body of the goat, making it responsible, making it the guilty one. This would leave the people fresh to start a whole new year of being jerks all over again from scratch.

Having described the new procedure Yahveh announced oddly “No more will you be making sacrifices to those wild goats that you’ve been lusting after.” Then for good measure Yahveh stressed one more time that he hated people who drink blood.

Next: My Way or the Highway

Tags: Bible, cosmology, creation, God, Moses, mythology, religion
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Bible Story Retold – Golden Cow and Worshiping Baal

April 30, 2012 in Reviews, Satirical Bible Series

Without further ado…Here’s Brad on The Golden Cow and Worshiping Baal!

Charging Bull of Wall Street, 3,200-kilogram (7,100 lb) bronze sculpture by Arturo Di Modica 1989.

Worshiping Baal
Exodus 32:1 to 40:3832:1 What could be taking Moses so long? The people grew restless for mindless rituals and excessive dogma so Aaron collected all the men’s earrings and molded them into the figure of a young cow. The people looked at the statue and said “There he is! That’s him! That cow helped us escape from Egypt. Oh thank you golden cow. Isn’t golden cow adorable? We love you golden cow.” Aaron proclaimed a new holiday to honor golden cow and then killed and burned some livestock for golden cow’s amusement. The people ate and drank, and played games, and had a raging all-day party to celebrate their new golden cow religion. Yahveh shouted to Moses “HOLY CRAP! Better get back down there fast Moses! The people made a statue of golden cow and they are saying that golden cow brought them out of Egypt instead of me!” Yahveh’s temper started flaring up big. He was ready to blast the people to bits.

“They are a stiff-necked people!” he screamed. His temper grew so hot that he could have let them have it right then and there. He was ready to kill them all on the spot but then he let Moses talk him out of mass murder. “But Lord,” Moses pleaded. “The Egyptians will say you are mischievous if you kill all the Israelites. Now you say you are sorry for thinking such evil thoughts. Remember the promise you made to Abe and Isaac and Israel?”

Yahveh apologized to Moses for thinking evil thoughts and remembered the promise he made to Abe and Isaac and Israel. Moses took the rock on which Yahveh had inscribed all the detailed religious dogma about blood smearing and the fancy gold box and expensive churchy stuff required of the tribes. He considered these rocks to be a legally binding agreement.

Moses and Commander Joshua headed down the mountain and when they got close to camp they heard all the noise from the golden cow party and thought it must be some kind of a war going on. When Moses came around the corner and saw them dancing he totally lost control and smashed the holy rocks on which Yahveh had personally written the new rules and dogma. He grabbed golden cow and melted it down and ground it up and put it in some water and made all the partiers drink it. Then he turned to his brother Aaron who had made the cow. “How could you? My own brother!” Aaron said “Ah Moses, don’t get mad, we were only fooling around. Besides, we didn’t think you were ever coming back.”

Then Moses noticed that the people were completely naked because Aaron had taken their clothes as punishment for honoring golden cow. Moses yelled “Who here is on God’s side, come with me.” Only one tribe responded to the request, it was the Levite tribe. Moses said to them “OK Levites, take your swords and kill your brother and your neighbor and your friends.” The Levites obeyed and killed about three thousand of the other Israelites. Moses said that Yahveh favored the Levites most of all. Moses said that they were easily Yahveh’s fav of all the tribes. Fortunately for Moses he just happened to be one of the Levites, so that worked out nice.

The next day Moses said “You people are so guilty, you badly misbehaved with that golden cow business and now you must be appropriately punished, I mean, of course, in addition to my tribe killing three thousand of you. Wait here, I’ll go ask God how to punish you.” So back up the mountain went Moses to converse with Yahveh again, this time about punishing the tribes. “God, if you’re going to wipe their names out of that book where you keep notes on everyone, then you might as well wipe my name out too.” Yahveh answered “No, I’ll just wipe out the names of the guilty cow-loving types so just go back and wait. A bad ass angel will come down and take care of everything. I got this.”

Yahveh caused the Israelite people great suffering because Aaron had made golden cow. Yahveh said “Tell them I said they are a stiff-necked people and I still might destroy them in an instant! Take away all their jewelry and then get the group headed on towards Canaan. I’ll be sending you one of my assistants soon to help you rid Canaan of all the damn Canaanites.”

When Moses told the people that they were a stiff-necked people and Yahveh might destroy them in an instant they became very depressed.

Moses took away the people’s jewelry and used the money to have a huge tent constructed. When Moses went inside the big tent the people peeked out of their own tents and saw a billowing black cloud come down from outer space and hover right next to the big tent. Then Moses started talking to the cloud and the cloud talked back to Moses. This really amazed them, that Moses was chatting with a space cloud, so they all came out of their tents and bowed down to the big billowing black talking space cloud.

33:20 Yahveh talked to Moses face to face. But Yahveh said “You can’t actually see my actual face or it would actually kill you. So I’ll tell you what, You need to be inserted into a shallow rock crevice as I come flying over you. As I start to pass by, I’ll cover your eyes with my hands. After I’m half way by I’ll drop my hands so you can see my ass, but not my face.” Not being able to resist the offer to see God’s ass, Moses hiked up to the crevice and he brought along some fresh blank stone slabs in case Yahveh wanted to jot down a few notes or some more rules or something. While passing over Moses in the rock crevice, Yahveh shouted out…

34:6
God, God, merciful, good, and true.
Merciful and forgiving.
Except for the guilty.
And their children down to the fourth generation.

Yahveh recited another long list of demands very similar to the list he had given Moses earlier, this time including “Don’t ever cook a goat in its own mother’s milk. Because, you know, that’s disgusting.”

Moses stayed with Yahveh for another 40 days listening to long boring speeches and recording more legal code. Then he went back to his people and read to them all the religious and social rules. Some people brought him jewelry and money or donated time and skills for building the fancy religious furniture and other ornamental crap Yahveh had demanded. Soon Moses had more than enough financial resources to build the elaborate tabernacle and told them to withhold further donating for now.

The tribes built the most beautiful and exotic tent you could ever imagine. They also made the fancy clothing for the priesthood, including the high priest breastplate with the question and answer dice in the pocket. When they were finished and Moses and Aaron had set it all up exactly the way Yahveh wanted it, Yahveh came down from space and covered the whole tent as a thick black cloud. Whenever the cloud lifted Moses would have the tribes continue their meandering about the desert but when the mysterious cloud just hung around they would remain encamped. At night the cloud would change into a scary glowing crackling ball of fire. And that’s how Yahveh behaved throughout the erratic wanderings of Moses and the Israelites.